John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
Costco (TM). Making alcoholism affordable!
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
He's a waste of a perfectly good penis.
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
