I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
I don't know if it's lucky or if it really just makes my tits look THAT good, but I've never NOT gotten laid with this bra on
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
I had to drink a couple beers this morning so I could attend the keg race. Hangover had to dissipate or it wasn't happening.
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
I'm willing to share. He can have sloppy seconds.
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
Just puked most of my soul out..
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
Randomize
