i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
no i do not regret standing at the wendys drive thu handing the employees mardi gra beads to get free chicken nuggets
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
Call me when you get back form court. Hopefully its not later than noon. Just remember..win or lose we still booze.
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
You can be responsible and still be on that ho life
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
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