in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
Spending my graduation money on an abortion. Welcome to the real world.
Dude, you need to understand there is a fine line between "guilty pleasure" and in the closet gay
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
Meanwhile I'm googling glory holes in Vegas
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Randomize
