Fuck Jersey, the house im in is so baller but this state just cannot win.
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
This is your monthly public service announcement that sexual services will temporarily cease from Wednesday night to Monday. Please plan accordingly and have a nice day =D
My weekend will be all about the double d's, desert & debauchery
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
Holy shit dude........stairs
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