Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
just because she blew him doesn't mean she knows his name.
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
Did you just email Kelly and I gay dinosaur erotica?
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
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