you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
Taking my final with a coffee mug full of keystone... best semester ever.
he ran me a hot bath. i thought i was in a pot and was going to be eaten. i was strangely ok with this
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
Something about the fact that I could do coke off her ass cheeks just speaks to me
he bit THROUGH my nipple
plus side, no need to pay for a piercing.
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
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