So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
I got my period while he was fingering me , I knew it because I never get that wet.
Did u at least say sorry?
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
she's doing key bumps of parmesean cheese
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
Randomize
