Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
help me choose which girl to send myself boning to my girlfriend to make her want to break up
which one looks the most like her?
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
hitting rock bottom is getting taziki in your hair & simply putting it in a bun instead of actually dealing with it, just like your problems
And today, on Faces I'd Like to Sit On .... The starting line up of the German National Football team
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
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