All I seem to do lately is get myself off, take naked pictures and drink beer. I don't know if thats a good or bad thing.
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
That was an excessively violent trivia night
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
I think we've reached the point in the summer were we need to go back to school. I was so bored yesterday I nearly bought blow dart gun.
Just do it. I grew some lady balls and did it last year. It's your turn. Time to show what you're made of. Hit it or quit it.
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
Its like my group of friends and I are all dating and we're all just a bunch of Swingers, is that normal?
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
Randomize
