You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
I am wasted and people are fist pumping. This should not happen on the west coast.
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
his profile picture is a blurry one of him holding a beer. i recognized him instantly.
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
I'm sorry but I have WAY too many sex/ hookup related bruises on visible areas to be going home tmrw
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
i just remember that i was on top of him and he wasnt contributing to the event much.. god i hope he wasnt asleap.
Well it was okay until he pinned my arms over my head and I found the loaded pistol tucked behind the bed... THIS IS WHY WE DON'T FUCK BOYS IN MONTANA ANYMORE
Randomize
