We need to have an Itty-Bitty Titty Committee mtg somewhere in the range of 5 minutes to ASAP.
I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
it wasnt a pity fuck per say. i wasnt attracted to her, but still thought 'that looks like a fun ride'
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
I'm 50% okay with that amount of body contact... plus/minus 7% based on where blood may flow.
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
What am I thankful for..I figured out I can drink on antibiotics without getting sick thanks to the power of pot gummies
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
Randomize
