guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
Pissed along side the highway while waving at all the traffic... if thats not a sign of a productive night to come then idk what is
I pulled some girls weeve trying to pull the stop cord on the bus
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
I am seriously only coming over if there are McNuggets. I want 10 bitch. Honey mustard.
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
Having sex with him is like eating mayo. Don't think about it, just do it. It's worth it.
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
I hooked up with the sexiest couple in the LAX BATHROOM IN THE CHANGING FAMILY ROOM HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA
Randomize
