Pants 0. Shit 1.
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
Breaking personal boundaries is my trademark
She bit a glass in half.
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
I petted my head, told my hair it felt beautiful and needed to be let free. Then pulled out my pony tail. Cheers to weed. I lose.
He's def the type to chop us into bits whilst screaming "NAPA BITCH". AKA my type
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
Randomize
