He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
DOWN HORMONES. BACK.
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
We fucked so hard and loud that the everyone at the party downstairs starting chanting his name. Oh I we broke a lamp.
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
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