I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
Its only 8 and she is already passed out
Perfect here is wht u do. Gently slip your index middle and ring finger into her butt hole but gently u dont wnt to wake her..let me know when ur ready for step 2
Completly hung over at midnight, I knew there was a downside to drinking at 2pm
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
We have a hundred jello shots. Lines will be crossed.
Our Icelandic basketball player brought cocaine and rachael is screaming that he should do lines off her stomach. It's that kind of party
What are you wearing tonight?
The colors of the winddddddd
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
That's why i need nudes. Plutonic nudes.
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
Randomize
