I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
So I was trying to finish off that sick uv whipped and I chased it with yogurt. Not a good idea
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
Let's make an agreement. No drugs until you finish all your homework. I'm hiding them as we speak.
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
You know more about his cock specs than his childhood. Proud of you
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