Your face is a jimmy john
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
Sorry for making you give strangers a ride for hits of acid.
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
he told me while inside me and mid thrust that he's dreamed of that moment since high school... awkward
A talk about Arizona woman's rights politics has never turned to sex so quickly before.
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
Randomize
