And no, shaving doesn't make it look bigger, either
dude are you gonna smoke tonight? my day was shit and I wanna get high
worker bees can leave....even drones can fly away....the queen is their slave
nevermind....I'm on the way
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
Well tech shes born nov 12, but since her head was out on the 11th, she claims both days as her birthday
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
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