nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
While he was going down town Julie brown, I was eating French fries. True Love
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
Randomize
