I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
You thought that the "chillable" logo on the box wine was referring to a city in italy.
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
threw up in the library. i should be embarrassed, but i'm willing to bet that i'm one of the first so i'm kinda proud.
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
My liver just had a heart attack.
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
I have a rage boner right now. An actual erection brought on by the amount of sheer hatred I have towards nationwide.
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
leave me alone I'm becoming one with nature and doing plant things
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
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