I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
Randomize
