You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
So i guess i slapped the girl sitting next to me leg and said "You know what they say, got fat legs...you gotta fat BOX"
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
It isn't about the beer pong. It is about the destruction of the patriarchy.
Randomize
