This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
no homo or anything but the way you were dancing with that girl gave me a boner
before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
is it bad that my walk of shame involves the church shuttle?
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
It was a great idea until we got stuck in a ditch. We had to call redneck cousin 1
Spider-Man is making out with Wonder Woman while Captain Kirk feels up Princess Lea. Nice to see nerd barriers broken down at Comic Con.
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
he's like crack. I can't be in the same room with him while drunk and not do him.
Randomize
