i just hope all the shady shit stops so i can let him into my pants
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
never thought i'd see a ''climb of shame'' until she came down from the attic in front of the whole party..
She said to delete the bj video, but I accidentally hit the 'send to her bf' button. My bad
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
i just ran butt naked down the hall and someone highfived me. i love college.
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
I haven't felt more like a college student than when I woke up this morning naked with my sociology textbook in front of me and my bong in my left hand.
Randomize
