Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
This is most sickening thing I've ever seen, and I threw up my body weight in jello shots on my birthday.
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
why does every cop we meet know your name?
You can accomplish quite a bit with a can do attitude and a well placed ice cube.
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
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