At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
Randomize
