well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
Currently studying Econ, while waiting outside current booty call's residence for him to return from the strip club. This is your fault.
Serious questions. Who is that girl? Why is she wearing a tiara? And why does she keep asking about penis piercings?
Since Josh is going to be Carl Sagan for Halloween, he bought a turtleneck and sportsman jacket. It's all my nerd fantasies come true.
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
Randomize
