I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
it felt like I walked into a Tool Academy challenge
Reason #437 to hate Louisiana: Just went to the public bathroom at work. It was so humid the toilet seat was damp and sticky. Either it's the humidity or I sat in somebody's yesterday piss. I choose to believe the humidity.
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
I feel like weed makes my smarter. I'm watching the stocks and the way I understand if, do not invest in Yahoo right now because they are not fit for that.
He is what would appear if the douche troop all had rings and we summoned someone like the Captain Planet kids.
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
oh you can't commit, don't have any real ambitions, and love to drink PBR? well.... sign me up!
Just waxed 95% of the hair off my vag. If he doesn't enjoy this tonight, you will, whether you like it or not.
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