I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
it was all downhill after the free blackjack taco
im pretty sure one of the guys i was dancing with at graffiti wrote on my back "you rock". now feel like a danced with a 5 year old.
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
You also proposed and then tried to jack me off
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
So my POF profile is full of Archer references. Only guys who get them will be getting any response to their messages.
Hell no. Last time I used a Slip N Slide I ended up with bruised ribs, a broken fence and the hatred of a half naked girl with a sprained wrist.
Randomize
