Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
In other news I saw a pack of make believe zombies walking down green st.
gotta love wednesdays
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
Randomize
