You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
Where does it all go? I've busted inside of you like 10 times in the last week.
I'm going as Jenn Sterger if she answered Favre's calls and ended up in a trash can. If I don't get laid tonight I'm going to be pissed
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
Man I can't wait till Thursday if strippers and beer are what you consider "research"
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
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