My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
5 out of the 6 of them cut their hands while trying to shot gun the beer, I had never seen balls attached to such patheticness
his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
If graduating leads me to stop getting naked at inappropriate times in public places I'm going to be pissed
People were drinking out of 26ers with straws, and somewhere someone yelled "fill me with dicks!" I'm home.
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
She is getting high and watching the Hobbit. I want her life.
So she is basically watching her own life story: short people traveling to strange places.
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
I a very close black and white picture of my slightly erect penis and I blew it up put it in an art gallery for a show coming up and somebody bought it for 30 Grand!!!
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