home. puking in laundry basket.
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
i dont think duct tape can fix my g spot
lets call myth busters
I keep hearing lesbian porn and I'm the only one home. I don't think this is healthy
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
Haha that's why you never name the penis. Its like a pet, once named you will most likely get attached.
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
shotgunning beer in rite aid bathroom. hurry
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
Okay so.. What's with me and guys who have more than 2 nipples
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
