either she doesn't know how to dress properly on a sunday morning stroll, or I just saw a 60 year old on a walk of shame
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
I am so sorry for drunk texting you r kelly lyrics
I'm excited for you as you venture towards new drug experiences
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
Blacked out and Irish exited last night. At dinner. On a Sunday.
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
Randomize
