I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
I just sent a friend request to someone saying that i was the girl he shared a fifth of jager with last week. Thats something special. He better accept.
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
I got us a lift home. Payment may require me giving road head, are you cool just chilling in the back seat pretending to be oblivious to this happening?
With me living this close to Mexico now, Tequila is just a geographical choice at this point if nothing else.
Because its Monday... And I'm determined to just be drunk for the rest of the semester
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
Every time we have sex, I feel his dick ramming my soul into submission. Problem is..... I LIKE THAT SHIT!
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
Do NOT. I repeat. DO NOT call me little one after we have fucked. In no world is that ok. Even jesus agrees.
Randomize
