T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
I just took the soap out of the bathroom and hid it... this way I could see if she would say anything. you know, to see how clean she was
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
Apparently you can talk a girl into leaving the bar and coming back to your tent, who knew?
Lesson learned. Kayak oars are not golf clubs....check
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
only i would grind with someone to harp music at a gay wedding
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
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