I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
i think i got so emotional from a mix of getting my period and slapping the bag like five times
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
Romer got arrested for getting in a bar fight with a bus boy because he was trying to steal a keg, had it all the way to the car
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
They were assless. I wore assless football pants.
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
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