Can you still call it a wet dream if sandwiches were involved?
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
I just helped a group of highschool stoners find a safe place to smoke I feel like a responsible rolemodel
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
yeah the cable guy is coming and everybody is hiding all the pieces in the house. we are up to thirty two. like a fun game of smokable scavener hunt.
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day
MY TITS JUST CAUSED A CAR ACCIDENT ON THE HIGHWAY! i kid you not!! i thinl the giy is actually dead
Should I wish him a happy birthday?
Well he has been inside of you enough times that you probably should.
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
