dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
Right before he passed out, he said "Stuporman, coming in for a landing"
One reason I don't come to Portland. I saw 8 guys I have had sex with last night. At the same party.
By 8 I mean 9.
And by 9 I mean 10.
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
And I can say one thing, I look pretty good in high wasted pants. I don't know if that helps. But I do. God I'm high.
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
And now you know why we call him Three-Balls Brad
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
Randomize
