I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
You could probably play six degrees of separation of my cock in this city.
Btw...I puked in my hand last night and threw it on the floor. Don't let me do tequila ever again.
It was his first time doing shrooms and we made him ride in the truck bed. But he kept standing up and yelling when we stopped so we had to keep driving
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
I witness him finger a girl behind the dj decks yet I'm still going to meet up with him. Wtf is my life
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
Is it normal for a guy to send you a dick pic along with “He misses you”
Starting to realize that fucking everyone I come across isn't the most... "adult"... coping method.
Randomize
