she just waddled down the stairs behind me and puked and kind of reached for me but i sped up. does that make me a bad person?
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
its a nice change of pace not blacking out and actually remembering getting laid
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
not now. havin a heart to heart with drunk fred flinstone
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
Fuck this virus. We’re finally back on campus but the bars suck parties are banned sports are canceled we eat in our rooms and can’t fucking hangout with anyone. I’m tired of virtual classes and involuntary celibacy
OMG IKR! It’s not college unless we’re puking in a toilet wondering if we’re pregnant or just hungover!
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