4 words: hood of his car
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
Omg just want to confirm: got drunk, naked in street, fucked in bathroom and puked on bart.
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
how do i say "cradle the balls" in Italian
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
Randomize
