Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
Of course im so fucked up sarah. I fight away tornadoes.
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
naw. unless you want me to sit in a corner, not understand english and eat all of your cheese then i don't think it's a good idea.
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?
Currently siting in the living room naked, staring at one of the girls across the street in her living room naked. This is like the most intense starting contest of all time.
ok thanks goodnight
Also before you go to bed i just have to get it out there that i really like macklemore as a person
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
Randomize
