the recession has oofficially hit my standards.
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
It's isn't revenge sex until you've cum on her porcelain doll collection.
they have a video of him in his boxers making a snow angel in the hallway is his own vomit and coca cola.
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
We're fucking and Lee Greenwood God Bless the USA comes on and he came. It was the most Roll Tide America moment of my life.
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
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