just realized i've hooked up with 3/4 of the guys here COOL
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
Freedom, beauty, truth, and love to all. I also probably have syphilis
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
Her pegging playlist is all heavy metal so stay away if you wanna keep your ass intact
Randomize
