Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
I couldn't find my shirt this morning so I stole one from his eight year old sister. Slutted up my outfit quite a bit.
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
The parents I babysit for are at this orgy. I need to leave.
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
I had to explain to the doctor why I'm peeing blood. He still didn't believe a girl would have that much sex... You could feel the judgement forming in the room when I went into the details...
Damn, well a girls gotta get laid too
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
Randomize
