Mario Lopez is the poor mans Ryan Seacrest
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
He put those pics of him with those girls on facebook and tagged his wife in them
Tequila 1 marriage 0
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
Randomize
