I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
Well... He is a good looking man underneath all the fat and muff.
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
Sometimes I just want to kiss you without you pulling ur cock out and waving it at me
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
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