He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
boy from dating site added me on facebook. i don't know if i'm ready for him to see what a drunk i am.
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
We glued Jenga blocks together, called it "magic blocks" and sold it to the stoners for $50 and a bottle of Henny
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
Slip and slide hallway was not one of my better ideas.
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
Randomize
